LIFE AS A DUCKBILL PLATYPUS

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A REVIEW OF THINGS THAT SEEM NOT TO GO TOGETHER

A large breasted woman with a surgically enhanced ‘Texas Hold’em’ nose and teeth the color of poached egg whites was yammering away on a national news program the other evening. She spoke with conviction, casting wide her Military-Chic in a  knock-off  U.S. Air Force flight suit, olive drab, open to the navel.  Her hands were sweeping about in the fashion of fighter pilots the world over, carving one under the other in parabolic rolls and dives, her journalist’s eyes clicking side to side like twin cues traveling coaxial tangents across the verdant felt of an ornately carved snooker table.  Frequent cutaways to roving video reportage of angry protesters offered stark evidence of the topic she was advancing: the “Ground Zero Mosque”.

The panel guest to the right of her cleavage was deeply introspective. He seemed genuinely “concerned”, gripping his chin between manicured nails which, if they didn’t reflect anything else, at least gave evidence to the viewing public of just how far he’d come.  He was a dandy looking fellow, old enough to be his co-host’s grandfather, though clearly fantasizing he was her prom date.

The moderator, with patronizing tone, kept tossing his pencil into a gainer, snatching it, mere millimeters before it speared the desktop, rolling his eyes at every statement either guest offered. I was vaguely curious, though I hadn’t a clue what was being said by any of them.  I was viewing the proceedings en mute.

En mute is probably how the working people of this nation should approach any broadcast these days.  Instead of pacifiers, at birth we should all be issued a universal remote.  It should be attached to us.  It could be miniaturized. It could be installed in our . . . navel. Out of the way.

Think of it. We’re all placentals.  We all have a navel.  Our navels make us equal, in the eyes of God.  A mute button, in our navels, would be a perfect solution to lint buildup.

“The objectives of this administration are to further the goals we have thus far . . .” Click.  A welcome belly rub.  The only people for whom it would be a problem would be the legions of young black men I see these days, struggling to hold their pants ‘just so’, as they stroll the boulevards with their beltlines settled just below their buttocks.

I’m thinking mostly of politicians, though, when I speak of the navel mute.  I regard politicians with the same fervor I regard intestinal parasites.  Sooner or later, they should all be subjected to the plunge of the toilet handle.

Some politicians are caught up in the “Ground Zero Mosque” question.  Some obviously care. And I should care that they care.  I shouldn’t be so insensitive as to not care, because I am, after all, a very caring person.  So, here’s my thought on the issue.  I say, let them build their mosque.  And I also say, let some enterprising Protestant or Catholic or Atheist or non-Orthodox Jewish businessman put up a Bar-B-Que stand, right next door.

We’ve got a great Bar-B-Que, right here in Natchez, called the Pig-Out-Inn.  I bet they’d like to branch out, earn their chunk of New York City change.  If the Mosque-itoes want a mosque, at Ground Zero, I say, let’em have it.  Right next to the twice-smoked, pulled pork special, with cole slaw and white bread!  And mushrooms! Don’t forget the mushrooms!  Because, there’s only so mushroom for mosques, but there’s always room for the other white meat!  What better way could there be to reach out to our Muslim brothers and sisters?  Ah, the aroma of congeniality surrounded by the savory smell of  hickory smoked swine!

Phatwater on the Natchez gauge, today is 31.34′, up almost 8 feet from a year ago.

Ed Joy has family commitments this year which will prevent his return, although from the looks of the Chicago Shoreline lineup, Mike Herbert is well again, so we hope to have Mike join us once more.

Dawid Mocke took first place in Chicago, and we’re hopeful he will be able to pay us a visit. Patrick Hemmens took 5th, with Erik Borgnes 6th and Carter Johnson 7th, all of whom will be at this year’s Phatwater.  DeAnne Hemmens placed 10th overall in Chicago, behind Mike Herbert in 9th.

Dawid also took first in the U.S. Surfski Championships a week ago, again outrunning the New York Mayor’s Cup winner for the past two years, Sean Rice.  Results for U.S. Surfski and Chicago Shoreline can be seen here:

http://www.ussurfski.com/info2008/racedetails.shtml

http://www.chicagoshorelinemarathon.com/results-09.html

Time To Register Boys and Girls. Go.  Do.

All For Now-KB