Any of you having a claim against my estate may engage UMC in battle once I have officially retired; however, exactly what measures they will take to make public this information I advise you to research on your own.

Phatwater today on the Natchez gage is:

50.13′

and moderating. We toured once more to Rifle Point yesterday and made our turnabout in 41 minutes.

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Ten Pal Annie appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

Behind me lies another dog, incredibly loyal and sheveled with clairvoyance. I say sheveled which may give some of our fourteen subscribers and a few fence sitters pause since sheveled enjoys that status of a non-word in anyone’s language other than my own, where, as it is commonly known, I enjoy the liberty of holding a great many words suspended beyond the usual constraints and far outside the lexicon of the world’s English speaking peoples. If you cannot do anything else with your life before it completes its circle, make up a few words of your own. It both feels good and is legal to do so.

Sheveled, as I intend it, means arrayed in the antonymic manner which supposes disheveled means disarrayed. The sheveled dog in question, named Rouge, then, a reddish fellow with a grand countenance and a stubborn disposition, is, as indicated, arrayed with clairvoyance of an uncommon extract. One particular evening a couple of years past, for reasons no one involved could deduce, Rouge elected at some moment deep into the night to stroll from my house to the far end of our road and take up security outside Melissa’s house, by her front door. Why he chose to do so on this particular night, when he had never before done so, matters less than it matters that in the middle of this same night a automobile pulled in front of Melissa’s house for reasons which were never made clear, though with subjects inside whose intent was less than charitable. Trespassing, and undoubtedly other suspensions of legality, is what they were set upon. They had no reason to be where they were, and Rouge, through some canine premonition, involved himself if these proceedings and took the initiative to station himself at Melissa’s front door where, on their arrival, he set up a vicious racket of agitated snarling and growling, baring teeth and giving an unmistakably defensive accounting for the benefit of all, which awakened Melissa while driving the intruders to some other rendezvous. Loyalty, once again, in its finest hour.

A second dog behind me, Cedar, is a Border Collie of considerable intellect and appearance, if not of pedigree. He too was abandoned, on another stretch of country road in the shadow of the oldest Episcopal Church in the state of Mississippi, where since its charter, Mississippi has become, in the words of one Phatwater Veteran, a state, ‘well churched’.

Much good goes on in churches. This I do not deny. And yet, churches are made up not of dogs, but of people. Some Church’s are made up of a certain fried chicken meant to be eaten by people. Which finds Mississippians once more setting new records for the national obesity crown, though this has little to do with anything other than loyalty not to man’s best friend but to a failed health care index, largely brought on by patterned obesity in a state made up of a certain class of  people who’ve been responsible not so much for maintaining their health as they have been at maintaining a state so ‘well churched’. But if I were to say any more on this subject I would be as though applying the edge of a  razor to a rubber band brought taut, and this is no place for testing the limits of latex infused rubber, or by-products thereof.

So it is to the dogs that I choose to cast my loyalty, while harboring, at least to a degree, a vote to be cast against obesity, in this here state, where true loyalty often takes the appearance of little else outside the spending limits of another government check arrived at, come the first of the month. Would that we could turn around this disincentive to produce good, in this era of sequestration.

Phatwater on the Natchez gage has now reached

49.25′

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Blue State Flesh Haul appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

Julio Hoop,

though it was incomplete and should not have gone when it did. Then, I tried to update the post and sure as rubber bands aren’t holding our appendages in place, it went out again not as the updated version but as it had originally, providing to many of the fourteen subscribers and a few of the fence sitters with not one but two misplaced Phatwater Updates.

Although it could be said I am a great deal older than I was a year ago, and that I am undoubtedly slipping, I have not, in my moments on this mortal plane, slipped quite so much as have the tectonix at work beneath our very road worn feet, though I admit I have a bit less resilience than I had when first I stood before the authorities of the moment and surrendered my freedom not once, but twice, to the vagaries of matrimony.

But time marches on. Here is a brief summary of what was supposed to have been said yesterday, and in fact may have been said by someone somewhere other than that point of reflection I see on my backlighted screen:

Phatwater on the Natchez gage right this here minute is:

48.58′

and if ever there was a desire among you to paddle the Phatwater at flood stage now’s the time. We will be out there in some form or fashion, for some distance, perhaps another Halph-The-Phat, come Saturday.

We paddled our usual 8 mile out and back trip from the Phatwater Phinish to Rifle Point yesterday, in a record, top-end turn around time of 52 minutes and some change, after paddling the same distance with a tailwind last Saturday in only 41 minutes, though at a level not appreciably higher.

Our return yesterday, under essentially windless conditions, was probably paddled in record time (for us). From our turnaround we made it back to the Phatwater ramp in seventeen minutes flat, from a measured four miles upstream. Mathematics, as I understand their closely guarded absolutes, provide that we were traveling a mile every four minutes and fifteen seconds on a volume of energized water not seen since Cecil B. DeMille’s rendition of Moses’s cinematic parting of the Red Sea, “With a little help from my Friend.”

What this same return time would have been in zero-to-negative gravity constructs;  say on Venus, I cannot determine, although some of you may be able to do so and may wish to provide this information since you likely won’t find another chance in this or any other previous life to do so in so open and carefree a forum as is this universally popular one,  laced through and through with feverishly titillating anecdotal commentary .

Three weeks into the backstory of our lives up to this point, with the river at 37.5′+- on the Natchez gage, we made the Halph-The-Phat trip into Natchez UTH in 1:41:27, although we were not paddling for speed. This Saturday we may try to shave this down to an hour and a halph, depending. Our objective start time Saturday morning will be 1030. As with last week, we will provide shuttle at $20 cash per paddler for anyone interested in shuttling up with us, but we will not be guiding paddlers. If you go, you are on your own. We are only providing shuttle to the put-in, in very limited numbers.

The launch site from April 13th is now well under water, though it is not well water,  increasing our distance of Saturday perhaps no more than a quarter mile. The distance, give or take, is 18+ miles.

Et cetera.

I refrain from using most social media sites other than Twitter because I neither understand them nor have the time to bring myself on a platter with my jaws flung open by an outsized baked apple for their disposal.

I don’t know how Twitter “feeds” work, or anything else about them, and I do not want to. I know only that I have one and occasionally put up some Phatwater Phacts there for the good of the people in all parts of the rotating planet, including those sycophantopians of  North Korea for whom life can only get better and those for whom it is reeling like an overdone tequila sunrise drunk with three penises trying to find the correct one to use, on the streets of Manhatten, before it’s too late. We’re still awaiting our first registered NoK for the Phatwater, with or without a reverse-mullet haircut. Miracles, as with chunky peanut butter, do be happ’nin.

Phatwater on the Natchez gage, now, is:

48.7′

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Thawed For Foot appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

48.58′

and if ever there was a desire among you to paddle the Phatwater at flood stage now’s the time. We will be out there in some form or fashion, for some distance, perhaps another Halph-The-Phat, come Saturday. We paddled our usual 8 mile out and back from the Phatwater Phinish to Rifle Point yesterday, in a record top-end turn around time of 52 minutes and some change, after paddling the same distance with a tailwind on Saturday in only 41 minutes, though not at an appreciably higher level. Our return yesterday, under essentially windless conditions, was also probably paddled in record time (for us). Although we went without GPS yesterday, from our turnaround we made it back to the Phatwater ramp in seventeen minutes flat, from four miles upstream. Mathematics, as I understand their closely guarded absolutes, provides that we were traveling a mile every four minutes and fifteen seconds yesterday.

What this same time would have been in a negative gravity construct, or on say Venus, I cannot conclude, although some of you may be able to do so and may wish to provide this information since you likely won’t find another chance in this or any previous life to do so in an open forum as universally popular and laced with feverish titillation as this one.

Three weeks ago, with the river at 37.5′+- on the Natchez gage we made the Halph-The-Phat trip into Natchez UTH in 1:41:27, although we were not paddling for speed. This Saturday we may try to shave this down to an hour and a halph, depending. Our objective start time Saturday morning is 1030. As with last week, we will provide shuttle at $20 cash per paddler for anyone interested in shuttling up with us, but we will not be guiding paddlers. If you go, you are on your own in other words. We are only providing a shuttle to the put-in.

On 13 April we launched at the proposed Halph-The-Phat launch site, since launch sites, be they the Kennedy Space Center or the General Mills plant for the launch of the first jar of chunky peanut butter, are, after all, launch sites, where it is intended for things that need launching to be launched. This launch site from April 13 is now well under water, increasing the distance of Saturday’s paddle by a measure unmeasured. The distance, give or take a launch site, is 18+ miles.

Incidentally, I don’t actually know if General Mills launched the first jar of chunky peanut butter, though if they didn’t then someone else must have.

I do know we launched World Champion Oscar Chalupsky last October. If you wish to contact Oscar to welcome him feel free to do so. I think this is the link to his social media nucleus: https://www.facebook.com/oscar.chalupsky

I refrain from using most social media sites other than Twitter because I neither understand them nor have the time. I don’t know how Twitter “feeds” work, or anything else about them, and I do not want to. I know only that I have one and occasionally put up some Phatwater Phascinating Phacts there for the good of the people in North Korea who’ve figured out how to game the system. We’re still awaiting our first registered NoK  to the Phatwater. Miracles, as with chunky peanut butter, happen.

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Julio Hoop appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

As life progresses, it is my sincere hope to effect a more profitable mission of netting lightning than I that which I failed to accomplish today. In the meantime, let me just say we expect to have more lightning to net later tonight, while those of you given to slumber and finding yourselves between the sheets, await whatever trigger may be required to trip, and find you joining our shuttle for a Halph-The-Phat this approaching Saturday.

Questions: (601) 431-1731, keith@kayakmississippi.com

Phatwater on the Natchez gage this evening is currently heavy with ravaging current at:

46.39′

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Crappie Rotation appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

46.13′

and rising.

We are planning to do a record breaking Phull Phat or possible Halph-The-Phat this weekend for anyone who might wish to shuttle with us. This is not a tour and is not sanctioned by the ACA, and will require of anyone wishing to participate they provide their own support. We are merely offering a shuttle depending upon interest and transportation needs. The shuttle will require a $20 fee per paddler. We will be making no return to the put-in following the paddle.

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates-Gangplankton appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

Natchez Holiday Inn Express:
601.946.1794
I wanted also to mention I have made liaison with two kayak/canoe rental vendors in the area around Hattiesburg (2 1/2 hour drive to Natchez) both of which have concessions on a popular Mississippi waterway known as Okatoma Creek. The creek serves as a recreational medium for white trash, college kids, white trash college kids, non-white trash college kids, saints, sinners, and subterfugers. Subterfugers, of which you may have neither heard, nor suffered, are those who engage in acts of subterfuge, collectively known as subterfuges. Though you won’t find Subterfuger in any dictionary any sooner than you will find a haystack these days, whether needle barren or bearing, I still like to think of it as a word, however unrecognized, as I struggle to make sense of that high court of overblown opinion which floats above the shoulders of our nation’s elected law writing charlatans for whom subterfuge is a daily tonic and perjurious pronouncements are a daily occurrence, best characterized as a U.S. Capitol back room roll of the dice in the board game the rest of us call life.
If you are in need of or know someone who is in need of a kayak to rent, you may try one or the other of these vendors. As to whether or not they will rent boats for movement off site, I cannot say. It would be good if one or the other of them have a number of guaranteed rentals planned for Phatwater XII. Perhaps one or more of you could put together a group or “team” of paddlers in need of rentals, in such a way and of broad enough scope that one of these Okatomans could work you a deal.
Rental Contacts: Seminary Canoe

(601) 722-4301,
(866) 652-8662,

seminarycanoerental.com

and

Okatoma Outdoor Post

(888) OKATOMA,
 http://www.okatoma.com/
Phatwater on the Natchez gage this evening is:

45.93′

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Beast Row appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

Bananas? Yes. It was the banana leaf and not that of the fig to which, at the apex of their nudity, the first couple clung; yet, this has been lost in translation over the millennia. Fig leaves, multi-lobed and fissured with tributaries of irregular direction are also made up of a sort of fur that, if given to purpose, would bring to the party an unimpeachable level of discomfort. It is therefore open to suggestion as to whether or not our proto-Hominid ancestors would have fared better, under the circumstances, by the surplus coverage to be found in the broad, smooth lamina of the Chiquita Cavendish. Prove me wrong, but keep your figs in the processor.

Congrats to Mike Herbert on his first place finish in Saturday’s BluzCruz, and to all others who made this ninth year of the BluzCruz a successful one.

Phatwater on the Natchez gage today: 45.08′ and rising.

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Zoologarchy appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

One: There will never be another incident in the history of this nation involving Curtiss OC-2 Biplanes firing rear cockpit Lewis guns at a giant gorilla on the top of the Empire State Building.

Two: There will never be a mass produced Yo-Yo making use of opposing sides molded in the likeness of Rosanne Barr’s face as its primary selling point.

Three: There will never be a Phatwater Kayak Challenge run in reverse—From Natchez to the Claiborne County Port.

The Phatwater will continue to evolve, however, hopefully alongside the great apes.

This year’s changes involving the manner in which competition will be decided have become necessary for a number of reasons, not the least of which is an overwhelming desire by many asking that we offer a shorter race for the less ‘hearty’.

In the interest of growing the Phatwater, this we have done.  And we have done so with the understanding that all participants may still enter and complete the Phull-Phat, though if they wish to compete, it is with the understanding that both the Halph-The-Phat and the Phull Phat will, of necessity, be limited to certain categories.

SUP participants, and those with kayaks, canoes, what-have-you of 15 feet or less, will be competing in the Halph-The-Phat. If you have a 12 foot boat, and you would prefer to paddle the entire Phatwater, you may do so. And you will be recognized. However, we will not be awarding each of our more than 20 categories in both races. To do so would result  in the exact opposite effect of what it is we are hoping to achieve, which is to shorten the length of time Phatwater Paddlers and Safety Boaters spend on the water, which we must do. Were we to award both races in each category, instead of having 21 categories, we would have to have upwards of 42, which would result in an excessively long awards ceremony and would require of us resources we simply do not have.

If you wish to paddle the Phull Phat, but do not have a competitive boat (a boat greater than 15 feet in length), we suggest you look to a friend who has such a boat and paddle it instead. You may also check with us to see if we have an available boat, or know of someone from whom you might borrow one. We will put the two of you together, just like that great partnership between King Kong and Ann Darrow.

Call us. Any time. But call soon. Our number of “borrow boats” is limited.

(601) 431-1731

Phatwater on the Natchez gage today is: 42.45′
and rising.

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Sacajaweevil appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

Canon 7-D DSLR, Canon EF400mm f 5.6L USM lens, Canon Extender EF 1.4X III, Canon Extension Tube EF12 II, Canon Remote Switch RS-80N3 (Electronic Cable Release), Canon BG-E7 Grip Extender/Battery Pack, 2 Batteries, Charger. Retail $3900, Selling for $2900.00 CASHOLA, to be sold together. Excellent Condition.

Outstanding Wildlife/Nature

Combination.

Email for sample photos. Warning! Does not float!

Also, Halph-Phat, tomorrow, shuttle departing UTH Saloon, 1000. Join us if you dare. $20 per boat, per shuttle. Must know by 8 pee emm this evening if you plan to attend. Call or email us now: (601) 431-1731; keith@kayakmississippi.com

Phatwater on the Natchez gage today is: 37.87′

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Trump Duck appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

Patience, of course, is something entirely different.

I thank you all for your patience, as you free the pebbles from your Birkenstocks, never a good choice for a late night trips to the hospital, for having the wherewithal to “ride out the dim dry days of winter”, though, for us, these have been days for which dryness has been lacking. Since January 1st we’ve recorded more than 35″s of rain locally. This bodes hearty for the coming fall and the opening salvo of thunderous paddle explosions on the waters of the Phat, October 12.

Celebrate the news, all ye who yearn for pebbleless paddling. We can now say with certainty weWILL be

having the Halph-The-Phat this coming October 12th, from the Waterproof Elevator, river right (Louisiana Purchase) down to the Phatwater Phinish, as promised. Maybe we’ll term it the Napoleonic Wars. Napoleonic Oars would be even better if  we were to oar and not paddle, but to oar may be human whereas to forego [and instead   paddle] is divine.

Here is how it will work: If you are paddling a/an Stand Up Paddleboard/SUP, or a kayak or canoe 15′ in length or shorter, your “race” will be the Halph-Phat.

Just so there’s no confusion, if you are paddling a kayak/canoe/ski/k-1 or any other boat other than an SUP of greater than 15′, even if only by one inch, your “race” will be the Phull-Phat.

You may paddle any boat in either race; however, for those paddling boats of 15′ or less, you are encouraged to enter the Halph-The-Phat. All who wish to paddle the Halph-The-Phat may do so, but trophy and prize $ eligibility will be based on the conditions set above. If you want to win a $100 prize for your category, you must enter the Halph-The-Phat if you are on a Stand Up Paddleboard, or a kayak or canoe fifteen feet or less in length. A paddler of a sixteen foot boat in the Halph-The-Phat, for instance, will not be eligible for prize money or trophies, and a 15′ boat paddled in the Phull-Phat will not be eligible for prize $ or trophies.

So, if you have an Epic 18X, you may paddle the Halph-The-Phat. If you have a Stand Up Paddleboard, you may paddle the Phull-Phat. If you choose to do either, you will not be eligible for prize $ or trophies.

Records for the Halph-The-Phat are axiomatic for both SUP and craft 15′ or shorter in length. As of this moment, SUP will be its own category, with no sub-divisions or category separations, other than by gender.

Changes to this policy are expected and will be subject to reviewFollowing

Phatwater XII, but as of now there will be but two SUP categories: Men’s and Women’s.

As with past years, prize money will be determined by the number of participants in Phatwater Kayak Challenge, XII, and sponsorship contribution. We axe that each of you reading this inform your other paddling friends of this year’s changes, and encourage them to attend.

The Halph-The-Phat will be

approximately 18 miles in length

As to the logistics for the Halph-The-Phat, it is entirely within our projections that we can expect significantly greater numbers of participants this year than ever before, with significantly greater numbers of Halph-The-Phat paddlers turning out than for the Phull-Phat.

The Halph-The-Phat will begin at a time as yet to be decided. This will largely depend upon the level of the Mississippi in the days leading up to Phatwater XII. The length of the Halph-The-Phat, in actuality, will be on the order of 18 miles, although it could be as great as 20 miles, again, depending on the level of the Mississippi leading up to the race, and the likely launch site.

Realistically, the launch will occur below the Waterproof/Goldman Grain Elevators, on the Louisiana side of the river, approximately one hour’s drive from downtown Natchez. The Halph-The-Phat launch is expected to take place at approximately 1030 A.M., Saturday, Ocotober 12.  At present, we are working to arrange a bus shuttle similar to the bus shuttle from the Natchez Grand Hotel, 0500, for the Phull-Phat. The timing for this will be worked out later, so please keep abreast of information as it is released here.

Announcement for the opening of registration will occur as soon as timing will allow. There

will be no walk-up registration on race day this year. If you decide to paddle the morning of the race you will be required to sign a waiver and pay a $99 “participation fee”. For your inclusion, you will be given a smile and a curt lecture on the value of being on time. You will not receive any Phatwater Goodies, known elsewhere as SCHWAG, SWAG, or “really cool shit”.

It is our desire to conduct all registration online this year. There will be a considerable $ penalty for day-before registration.

 There Will Be No Trailer-Boat

Shuttle this Ocotober. Insurance mandates have eliminated this option. You may conduct your own shuttle the morning of the Phatwater. A bus shuttle for both races is planned, however. All paddlers will be expected to pre-station their boats/boards prior to the Phatwater, whether at the Claiborne County Phatwater Start or the Waterproof/Goldman Elevator Start.

Maps to both put-ins will be found on this site later. Maps will also be available at the Phatwater Check-In, Friday, October 11, at the Under-The-Hill Saloon, Natchez.

All For Now—KB

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I attended a lecture with Melissa yesterday evening on the Cyberwarfare Crisis we are currently undergoing offered by former Secretaries Of State Henry Kissinger and James Baker, given at the Houston Asia Society’s newly opened facility. There appears to be little likelihood we will be forced to forego the fork for chopsticks anytime soon. Members of our safety boat crew, however, have become convinced the Chinese will soon be standing in line outside the national headquarters for the Humane Society of the United States with carving knives and charcoal braziers instead of leashes  and carry-kennels.

Progress on whether or not we shall have a Halph-The-Phat this coming October 13th is non-existent. Next week we shall begin to play hard ball.

Phatwater on the Natchez Gage, today, is: 31.96′

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates—Mousy Dung appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

This was originally a very lengthy post, but I have since rescinded it, revised it, and am now rethinking it altogether.

I have spent all of the winter working on things other than kayakmississippi and the Phatwater—things which shall in time require of me greater attention if I am ever to achieve any measure of financial elasticity, which I must. There will be no “grand” moment, during which I will be marched up the stairs of the Phatwater gallows, or prostrated on the face plate of the Phatwater Guillotine; however, there will soon come the day when my outmoded way of doing things and my limitations will take me from the stage, and allow younger, more bloodthirsty organisms to fill my cockpit.

The Phatwater has proven tremendous fun, and I’ve met a substantial number of outstanding people, and only a few moose pellets, but, as with Bergman’s Law which states that a species correspondingly increases in size as it transforms its range by migrating into higher latitudes, the higher the latitude I reach with the Phatwater, from year to year, the greater the number of  assholes I encounter, each of whom uniformly tends to possess an even greater degree of qualification for being so labeled.

I spoke earlier about the desire  to coordinate a simultaneous launch for Phatwater XII, which will hopefully allow throngs of would-be athletes to experience the Phatwater at a reduced intensity, by beginning their race at our Halph-The-Phat launch site at the Waterproof-Goldman, Louisiana, grain elevator, some 18 miles upstream of the Phatwater Phinish. We are hopeful this will take place. However, we first must be given clearance by the United States Coast Guard and to date my several attempts to reach them for discussions have resulted in Zero feedback.

The short reason is, or was due to Hurricane Sandy, and the follow on destruction which took away our local (Memphis Based) Coasties. Still waiting to hear before we announce anything. So, I’m still waiting. Semper Vigilans. It pays to keep going through the keys on the chain whether the lock is simply rusty, or management has replaced it anew without notification.

I learned as recently as this morning that the reproductive organs of ticks are found in what we as humans refer to as their “mouth parts”. I don’t know who figures out these sorts of things but I am thankful for them. Some might prefer to say, “I don’t know who figures these things OUT,” and though in principal I agree that this sounds mo’bettah, in actuality the correct way of saying it, for humans, for those who count themselves human, is, “I don’t know who figures out these things,” since OUT is a preposition, and it is considered by we humans, or at least we English speaking humans, for those who consider themselves English speaking humans, that it is inappropriate to finish a sentence or independent clause with a preposition, although I don’t quite know WHY. Input on this and other vexing issues, as we’ve cautioned in the past, is bountifully welcomed.

But, getting back to the ticks, you would do well to remember that if this is true; that the reproductive organs of ticks are found in their “mouth parts”, then the next time you find yourself with a tick attached, particularly if it attaches to your lips, perhaps this is simply because the tick finds you attractive.

Phatwater on the Natchez gage, today, is: 30.18′

All For Now—KB

The post Phatwater Updates-Titillationality appeared first on Kayak Mississippi.

First, an admission. I am not now, nor have I ever been, the recipient of graft, paid holidays, or discounts, whether domestic or foreign in origin, at any Trans-Gender Surgical Clinic, nor have I ever consorted with anyone, to include any member of high elected office, who has.

We are around 40′ on the Phatwater, on the Natchez gage for today. To date, it has been rather wet, locally, as we have at this point registered > 23″ of rainfall since New Year’s Day.

I have been surrounded by stupidity, entirely attributable to Homo sapiens, since the dawn of January 1. Few of the offenders have MEANT to be stupid; they just are, although even fewer of them know it.

We have known tragedy at the Saloon. There was a slashing/stabbing on the night of October 13, inside the Saloon, hours after the completion of Phatwater XI. It was caught on video. The former IT socialist and architect of our initial Kayak Mississippi Website,  and co-founder/owner of the apparently now defunct “MISS-LOU INTERNET” was arrested and charged with “aggravated assault”, though why he was not charged with attempted murder is a question to be put to our local District Attorney’s office, for I haven’t a clue as to the reason,  or lack thereof, to provide an explanation.

The victim, son of one of our bartenders, is still recovering, following multiple surgeries, none of which, as I’ve pointed out in the above, involved Trans-Gender/Alternative Lifestyle “Augmentation”.

The Parkensonia, the beautiful umbrella canopied tree which towered over the gate of our courtyard, to the north of the Saloon, gave way, during the ongoing torrent of One-Inch-Per-Day of rainfall we experienced during the first two weeks of January.

My hair stylist, a lovely gal,  has recently undergone “stomach sleeve surgery”, in an effort to lose weight which, according to the laws of thermodynamics, someone else, upon her losing it, will find.

There have been no petitions as yet to recall me from my position as author of this drivel; largely, I should think, because no one else is willing to take up the task and fewer still are aware of its existence, and, in the case of those who are, find themselves too busy to file formal complaints, the end result of which, were I to be deposed, would find them having slain a dragon for profitless motives in a world in which I alone am bearer of and administrator of the patent to profitless venture, thus rendering their toil ineffective for all time and with zero merit since sainthood has yet to be bestowed upon anyone made up of such pitiable accomplishments.

Things are due to change, however. As mentioned before, The Siege is not far from becoming a reality. You will still be able to receive the day to day humdrum of Phatwater Updates, here, with all the pertinent info; however, if it is the charm of asininity for which you long, it shall henceforth come with a cost; modest, it is true, but a cost nonetheless.  Please stay tuned, dear reader, for the world is about to change.

Uneditedly yours,

All For Now—KB

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Which brings me to this sad point. I have just learned from Phatwater “board member” Mark Jacobi, of Evansville, Il., that our good friend Anne Zellner, formerly of Grand Marais, Minnesota, has made the final paddle into the sunset. She died either Tuesday or early Wednesday morning, following what I only know as a lengthy illness. Anne was a fantastic person, a competitive paddler, and a monumental pivot point for the Phatwater. As I learn more I will post it, during the coming year. Please keep Anne in your thoughts this Thanksgiving Day.

Melissa with Anne Zellner on her inaugural trip to Natchez, 2007, following her descent of the Mississippi with her husband and Phatwater stalwart Joe Zellner. Walter Tipton, manager of the Natchez Grand Hotel, is to Anne’s left.

All For Now—KB

The Phatwater on the Natchez Gage, unofficially non-updated at this time, is: 13.35′.

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Then there was the sand. Or rather, the lack of anything but. Whatever else you may know or not know, know that sand can become infinitesimally smaller than whatever it is you tend to think of as sand, and can and will get into any place it has no business being. I’ve never passed a kidney stone, but I’ve seen and felt its equivalent, in the sands of  Camp LeJeune, heading in the opposite direction.

At LeJeune, the summer Sun was harsh, the nights like a furnace, the native inhabitants a multitude of disorderly scourges. Snakes were commonplace. Many found this vexing, though not I. My personal thoughts were that snakes offered a welcome diversion. I’ve been enamored of reptiles and snakes in particular since the days before I was able to read. My fascination with snakes began with the first I ever encountered, when living in Oxford, Mississippi, where at the time my father was a Law student; my mother a pregnant girl of about twenty-seven and my imagination fueled by gravel roads leading out from the cloistered dimensions of the small duplex in which we lived. I can still hear my mother’s screaming when I brought my first snake and prized catch into our living room; can still see my father dancing around an ottoman like Dick Van Dyke on amphetamines.

Snakes, once grounded at Camp LeJeune, provided me an opportunity to backtrack into my failed past as a hopeful research zoologist, before I became a slave to the toil of building a broad based misunderstanding of organic chemistry. Snakes, on leaving a biochemistry lab and landing at Camp LeJeune a year later, allowed me to set myself apart from everyone else wearing camo utilities, which is what the Marine Corps refers to what the Army refers to as “fatigues”.

Snakes, at Camp LeJeune, however, were not welcomed by the masses any more than were the sand gnats or fleas or flies, or perhaps all three if in fact they are all three different creatures, their collective capacity an abundance suitable for a rewrite of the book of Genesis.

Chiggers were marching where sand gnats/flies/fleas feared tread, into every pore where one’s plasma pooled beneath constricted skin—mostly  around the waistband, the armpits, at the tops of one’s combat boots. Ticks did the chiggers proud, if on a lesser tier, and were the envy of every Court Street tattoo artiste’. Mosquitoes formed in dense clouds overhead, working in shifts.

I’ve never known a more inhospitable place on Earth than the swamps of Camp LeJeune. I’ve been in the tropics, across deserts, and in the Arctic, and nothing I’ve experienced, since, or before, quite brings forth the flavor of anguish such as that which binds LeJeune’s execrable coastal apartments to the condition of human suffering. The circumstances associated with simply going to Camp LeJeune are as an act of penance.

It was at LeJeune I was introduced to N-Diethyl Meta Toluamide. DEET. It arrived one evening on a Gama-Goat; a very loud, slow, cumbersome military service vehicle no longer in service, jointed freely at mid-body and driven by our Navy Corpsmen, led by Doc Carny. He growled right into our perimeter one fine evening at sunset, kicked four or five cardboard cases out of the rear cargo compartment of the goat, then sped away, back to the barracks, arriving in time to catch Lavern & Shirley. We tore into the boxes and grabbed up the four ounce plastic, olive drab bottles, and met our reprieve. 99˚ an hour after twilight, and when you slathered it on your skin, it was impossible to tell if the burning sensation was from the DEET itself, or some chemical reaction with whatever the body was producing in the way of thermal conversion gone wrong. Biochemistry, remember, was my undoing.

But this was only the beginning. For it was not long before it was discovered that, on the arrival of some flake zero from Headquarters Marine Corps who wished to, “tour the line”, and brought to the troops of an all volunteer service the stricture of opaque individuality and uniformity through the application of ‘camo paint’, that the task of applying these waxy grease  concoctions to exposed skin, in order to make all appear tough and characteristically bold, was made infinitely easier by pooling a shot of DEET into the palm of one’s hand, then dipping the camo paint stick into the DEET. The result was a liquified non-reflective skin covering, in a brilliant array of three base colors—tan, olive drab and coal digger black. When drawn across one’s forehead, after a DEET Dip, the exercise unfolded with all the ease and flourish of a Hollywood second unit director’s on site makeup sub denying the very existence of ‘dermal glare’.

The only reason I bring up this topic now is because of the play in the local news we are getting these days around these parts having to do with mosquito borne West Nile Virus. The makers of DEET should be moving up in the world as a result. I wish them all the success necessary to cause them, a year from now, to open their wallets for Phatwater XII. DEET Urgent, indeed.

This will be the last post of the year. If any of you have any questions about what I shall cover in the converging paragraph, please direct them to either Adam Elliott or Chris Trippe, with one caveat: Chris will be having heart surgery in the coming weeks and will likely be in no mood for answering email questions about next year with any urgency. So, if you’d rather direct your queries to Chris than Adam, because I’ll be fettered to other objectives for the next six or so months, then make haste. And wish him well while you’re, ‘chatting him up’.

Okay, so here’s what’s coming. Next October 12 is Phatwater XII, 2013. That’s 10/12/XI/2013. Here’s what’s likely in store: Next year we will be breaking the Phatwater into two distinct parts. We will have the standard, or Phull Phat, with every paddle-swinging 42.5 miles, same as always, and we will have, for our short boaters, a Halph-The-Phat, from Waterproof. Both challenges will begin at the same time, 0800, and, it is hoped, will end very closely together, or at least during a finish window more conducive to the conduct of our awards ceremony. We have many of the details already worked out, and many more to consider, but of paramount importance will be the permitting process with the United States Coast Guard, in order to get their sanction. We have little concern it will be forthcoming, but we still have to meet with them and work through the details, and obtain the Marine Event Permit and have established the Marine Safety Zone. It should not prove to be a big deal since, effectively, we will be on the water for a SHORTER amount of time by conducting our event with this objective in mind.

Now. Before you get your kevlar in a crisis, let me address the single most anticipated question you will likely be axing, which is, “HOW WILL WINNERS OF THE HALPH-THE-PHAT BE RECOGNIZED, AND WHAT IF A ‘FAST BOAT’ DECIDES TO BE IN THE HALPH-THE-PHAT, AND IF SO, HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE FAIR TO THOSE OF US WHO HAVE SHORTER, SLOWER BOATS?”

Good question. Initially we will consider all possible contingencies, but more than likely we will limit prize categories for the Halph-The-Phat to boats of a certain dimension. All boats in the Halph-The-Phat eligible for prizes will have to be under 15′ in length, for example. I’m not saying this is what it will be, mind you; rather, I’m just giving an example for the moment. So don’t worry. If you wish to be in the Halph-The-Phat and be eligible for prizes/trophies, know, like you know your sand, that we will be thinking of you, and taking your concerns into the strictest consideration.

Relax. It’s going to be fine. Adam and Chris promise.

Adam=blueovalparts@hotmail.com
Chris=christrippe@gmail.com

Phat at the moment on the Natchez gage is a respectable: 9.46′

All For The Foreseeable Future—KB

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Sorry, I just had to get that out there before the need to do something constructive overcame me.

I got a message from Nick Kinderman of Battle On The Bayou fame, axing me to correct a long-past sent message which showed up recently in one of our blogs gone AWOL. I don’t know how it happened, although I do know it was part of a “broken email stream”.  I believe this is the correct term. In any event, it began circling the Universe (Ours, not Theirs) beginning last February, though only asserted itself last week. Know, therefore, that there is not a race on the Battle Of The Bayou until 2 March. Check out Nick’s site for more info. We may be there in a couple of months but if we aren’t then we won’t be because we’ll be somewhere else.

Visit: detcord.smugmug.com Phatwater XI gallery for photos from this past weekend’s Phatwater XI. And buy some to support the LAB Rapport.

Phatwater on the Natchez gage: 9.68′

All For Now—KB

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At 10.59′ on the current Natchez gage we are only about eight and a half feet below the level of a year ago. Judging from our last rainstorm, were we to have another such event we might see an outwash capable of pushing things up to a competitive enough level to break records. Ever hopeful we are, here among the League Of Asshole Buddies.

Speaking of breaking records, here’s a news item which may or may not be of interest to those for whom interest is something other than the accrual of funds for having done absolutely nothing. Headline from: The Boston’s Other Side, Inc. (The Boston’s Other Side, Inc. for those not in the know, is a newspaper of alternative points-of-view to those of The Boston Globe, founded in 1973 by the now defunct 70′s Heavy Metal Accordian Band: Liquid Flamingo)

Record Tsar’s Maid To Be Outspoken

Carving away the outlandish, what was to follow in this story was a rather lengthy exposé involving an African village political activist who, in her quest to shine the light of truth on the corruption in her native land while begrudgingly revealing to the outer world the details of an affair she had carried on with a Swedish ‘Doktor’ turned publishing mogul, and whom she considered HER husband until she discovered he was already married to a milk-white Danish redhead, and who by this time had fathered their six-fingered child, finds herself, at least initially, in the Doktor’s employ as his housekeeper. During the course of their working relationship-turned-assignation, however, she discovers as well that the good Doktor has siphoned about a billion dollars out of the state treasury and ostensibly into the Heart Of Darkness, in part for his “dream” of erecting a state-of-the-art sound/recording studio in the shadowed corners of the tepid, fungal inspired, steamy tropical jungles of the Republic Of Congo, though in larger part for his own purse, tucked neatly away back in Malmö, by way of Switzerland, and disguised by his library of documentation, the stated ‘long range goal’ of which is to, “Bring prosperity to these famished people, torn by war, pestilence, and a belief in their god of a wooden personality . . .” similar to the god of carved stone Moai, found on the ever-so-distant Easter Island; admittedly, a bit of a stretch for the Congolese culture where electricity is a novelty and Dial deodorant soap is entirely unknown . . .

But, as much as I’d like to flesh out the full story, doing so would require a far weightier bank account than I maintain and, owing to the fact I must now put Phatwater 2012 behind me so I may begin working diligently on Phatwater 2013, I’ll have to leave the details to those other souls of the damned, enshrouded with guilt though inspired by the hope of a last minute reprieve during these final days of the Mayan Calendric.

For the part best played by the person wearing my costume, I will now make the preliminary announcement that the Phatwater Kayak Challenge, LLC, next October 12th, will take a new form. Apart from the further announcement that we will be hoping to make, the necessary changes will bring greater interest TO and participation IN next October’s XIIth annual event. I will say only that we are working on a series of moves which will allow us to hasten the beginning of and completion of our overly drawn-out awards ceremony, while according each participant hers or his or their own moment in the sugar bowl, so to speak, as tried & true, and utterly challenged Phatwater VIPeas.

Here are a few shots.

I am uploading the first series of photos to SmugMug just a few moments from now. To see them, go to: detcord.smugmug.com and click on the Phatwater 2012 Gallery. The photos represented are the combined effort of three photographers. Regrettably, none of them were able to be on hand much past 3:30 p.m. on Saturday. For this I apologize profusely, and promise to try to do better next October.

All For Now—KB

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I’ve come across this moon phase map function and am about to load it onto this site so those with insomnia or a proclivity for insomnia may now know at all times the current moon phase.

Here we have a phase this young man, Austin Kieffer, of Asheville, North Carolina, is going through. It’s called “winning it all”.

Here’s a shot from Saturday involving Phatwater staff member Adam Elliott, wounded, though still able to smile after a gut check at Waterproof and the resulting scapular tweak which, were he a bird, would have found him a pedestrian worm plucker hoping to place distance between his tail and the ravages of semi-urban feral felines, not nearly enough of which were themselves victims of a marauding canine pack earlier  last spring which for the moment seems to have gone underground.  All hail the Natchez Fire Department for their able assistance. According to Adam, our slogan for this year was foretelling of Saturday’s ordeal. I tend to agree.

All For Now—KB

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Let me say, before we go any further, that so far the bearer of this email address has not unsubscribed, at least not as of my understanding. This too is good, for he was just offering an opinion and his is more than welcome here. I hope he sticks around, and I hope he’ll come back for more abuse, whether offering it, receiving it, or enjoying its being parlayed upon others. I was hoping the past participle—the participlicity if you will allow—of parlay was going to be parlaid, but alas, it is not.

In any event, I wish to thank all who wrote in to voice their defense against my denunciation by Gestaltpsy1959 of yesterday, most of whom suggested they were happy to be asshole buddies of mine. Please accept my apologies for not being able to return an email to each of you just yet. But know that as a result of y’all’s collective input, we are going to take this otherwise negative energy and turn it into a very positive one. Several suggestions have been suggested, the first of which rolled in shortly after dawn yesterday from Phatwater XI third overall, cherished writer and Phatwater past champion and veteran Joe “Glicker” Glickman, who obliquely made reverence to the ABL, or Asshole Buddies List. There followed a number of other offers in short order. There was, “AB For KB”, “AB is no Abstraction” and so on. At the moment we are considering all, in the form of T-Shirt Slogans, at least one of which will be LAB Rapport, for League of Asshole Buddies, suggested by Phatwater Staff Member with the LSU colored surfski, Adam Elliott. Design competition and additional slogans are all being reviewed for family friendly content. I say this because there is a girl walking around down around the Under-The-Hill Saloon with a T-shirt which reads: DoEpicShit, and while I like the message, along with others such as ShitHappens, the first time one reads it, it brings mirth, however, over time the message quickly sours.

I have lots of ground to cover and yet we’re still pulling banners, returning rented furniture, paying bills, compiling waivers for the ACA after action report, writing reports for the Coast Guard, applying for next year’s Marine Event Permit, deconstructing our announcer’s platform, gathering buoys, delivering the Phatwater Bowie Knife, working through our bank account, filing a report with the NACCAF-Inc., meeting with attorneys on copyright issues, filing for Trademark Status, and building a consensus among our withering volunteer base, to keep them all in plaid based decisions for next year, so I will conclude by offering that later today or perhaps tomorrow we should begin to have photos of most of you available for purchase on SmugMug, which has now uploaded more than a billion images, worldwide, where you can go, click, and obtain memories for your family’s preservation for all time, or for that asteroid in whose line of sight we fall, whichever comes first. Until then, I leave you with this image of Phatwater Staffer and multitudinously talented jet-ski whore, Joe Zellner, who, if you’ll notice from this image, took first place, K-1 Unlimited, while paddling the entire course with his wing blade, as seen here, upside down.

Phatwater on the Natchez gage, today: 10.4″ and rising.

All For Now—KB

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